9 - Forgive & Forget ...

Even though I've personally never been in therapy, I have spent years in the company of therapists, coaches and counsellors.

And it's a fact that they have their ideas, based on what they've been taught, and they can't help themselves, they have to recite the scriptures of their religion:

"You must love yourself more," they used to tell me.

"You must work on your anger issues ..."

"You must learn to forgive and forget ..."

I've heard it a thousand times and each time I would say, "HOW?"

What then happened was that a whole lot of muttering and talking would ensue, so much so, that they often didn't even notice that I had already left the building ...

One day, whilst spring cleaning, I move a cupboard away from the wall.

Behind the cupboard I find an old photo, I don't know what that is, where it came from.

I pick it out of the dust, turn it over.

In the same instance as I recognise his face a red hot fire shoots straight into my chest, I go to my knees and tears are shooting horizontally from my eyes.

It is only an energy.

Goddamn it, it is ONLY an energy. This is all so long ago, this is over, it is in the past, he isn't here now, hasn't been for so many years, he belongs in the past.

And these feelings, this pain, it is ONLY ENERGY, ONLY ENERGY, ONLY ENERGY ...

Slowly I can breathe again, breathe deeply, and I sit down in the dust with the photo in my hand.

I placed it carefully in front of me and put both hands on my heart, just there were that terrible pain still burned as brightly as it had ever done.

These are my healing hands, my hands of energy.

This pain I feel, and that terrible pressure in my head, there is no-one here who stands with their boot on my chest, no giant hands pressing on the sides of my head as though they are trying to crush my brain.

This all over, it was once but now, it is only energy, energy injuries, energy wounds, and I can heal this, can heal this with my own healing hands, I can put to rights what once went wrong.

Whatever has happened, now make it right, make it better, heal this, make me as good as new ...

And slowly but surely, under my warm hands I can feel the first movements of resolution, after all this time, and I'm crying floods but these tears are clean, they are cleansing and they are helping me to let all of that finally flow away.

I let my tears flow and concentrate on the feelings in my heart, where the energy slowly begins to rise, in two slow channels towards my shoulders, then over my shoulders and in V formation down my back and towards the base of my spine.

Flow, flow on. Flow free. It is only energy, and energy must flow. In and out, like breathing, in and out. You hold your breath and your life is over ...

Slowly, slowly the pressure in my head is beginning to ebb away and my thinking is becoming clearer, finer, wider.

I can breathe properly again, I can think again and I feel very calm, very lucid.

There is the picture, and it is just a man, a man who once I knew and with whom I shared many experiences.

I don't know if he is still alive or where he is, but it doesn't matter.

I wish him well, wherever he may be.

And so I'm sitting on the floor in my room, with my hands on my heart, and I can't believe that on this sunny morning a miracle did happen, and I could finally "find it in my heart" to forgive us both.

Here is, how it is.

When you tread on a dog's tail, it will turn around and snap at your foot because that's what hurt it.

It is natural. Absolutely reasonable, absolutely understandable.

Now we took the dog to the vet, and he bandaged the injured tail, and we tell the children, "You've got to be careful with the dog, don't touch his tail. It is injured and it hurts, and if you touch it, he'll bite you."

That's exactly the same with people.

Someone "trod on my tail", but it was never properly bandaged, it was never healed. Someone comes along and touches THAT, or starts stirring in the wound, and I'll snap to defend myself, a simple reflex in response to the pain.

People who are angry or sad have these old wounds somewhere in their energy system.

If they can still feel them and haven't been able or willing to withdraw deep into their own shells where they feel nothing at all anymore, then they will REACT with fury or with tears when someone touches these injuries even by accident.

This is simply a reflex and it simply CANNOT stop until the wound is finally healed.

When the pain is over, blissful peace reigns supreme.

That is the state of true forgiveness.

You can't "do" forgiveness.

You can only reach forgiveness AFTER your wounds have been healed - and then it comes readily, willingly, free of charge and simply as a bye-the-bye.

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