Satire
Failing Made Easy
by Silvia Hartmann & Contributors
Inspired by the recent post "7 Steps to effective hating", I
remembered a party game that one day, developed quite naturally and had all of
us in total hysterics at the time.
It doesn't actually have 7 steps (sorry) but as many as you decide it should
have and you can have them in any order.
First of all, you pick something you kow lots about how to fail at.
Indepth personal experience is of the essence here - can't be done in
any other way.
You then remember exactly what needs to be done in order to fail as
successfully as you did and write it down in bullet point format (you
can arrange it later). Each bullet point then becomes a chapter in the
book.
Start with what you know the most about to get the hang of it but
don't stop there. We have many more resources than we would believe at
first!
Indeed, you can think of this as the first book in an entire series
that will make you rich, universally beloved, incredibly popular and a
sex toy for many fine and beautiful people in the end and force you to
write the final title in the series, entitled, "How To Fail At
Failing", after which you must retire.
Here are two examples.
"How To Fail At Plastering Successfully"
1. Completely ignore the "water to plaster" ratio advised on the pack.
Make up your own consistency.
2. Don't stir too much else it gets too smooth.
3. Make sure you overload your trowel to your best ability. The
more
you slap on, the quicker you're done.
4. Keep altering the pressure as you smooth it down. Dancing
whilst
doing this helps with this.
5. Always start at the top. That way, it all slithers down much
better!
6. Put the heating on and open all the windows.
7. Sit back and admire your handiwork!
"How To Fail at Making A Good Living As A Personal Coach".
1. Don't answer the phone. If you have an answerphone, make sure it's
off putting and rarely if ever checked.
2. Make sure you write any potential client's names and contact
details on small scraps of paper that you lose religiously.
3. *Never* get back to people who enquire about your services.
4. Under NO circumstances, advertise.
5. Especially NOT in any places where business could be achieved
or
clients might hang out.
6. If you can't avoid it, only advertise in any one place ONCE
and
never again in order to avoid building up any form of customer
recognition or corporate identity.
7. Charge ridiculously low prices, or even better, just give
taster
sessions for free that a) either entirely put the potential client off
or b) solve their problems on the spot so they have no further need
for you.
8. Occupy your time trying your hands at a great variety of "get
rich
quick" schemes that will help you avoid thinking of anything or doing
anything other than your core business.
9. Either don't have a database for past and existing clients at
all,
but if you do, make sure it isn't up to date, in entire disarray and
completely useless.
10. If you have a website, make sure it is a) always under
construction, b) always out of date, c) unfindable, d) un-navigatable.
Also helps if it looks as though Aunt Mary knitted it in her back yard
after church on Sunday.
11. Don't have a mailing list, either postal or e-based. If you
do,
make sure you don't use it - ever! This is best achieved by following
the good advice in No. 9.
12. Don't produce a distributable catalogue of your products and
services. It's a lot of work, costs money you don't have and can only
lead to further disappointment. If you already have one, make sure it
follows the guidelines from No. 10. This also applies to stationary
and business cards.
13. Keep away from all networking. If it is unavoidable, make
sure you
ONLY think in terms of "me me me". Make sure to forget to honour any
arrangements with any others; also make sure you DON'T contribute a
thing to any individual or networking group, even by accident.
14. Make sure you don't commit yourself to your business. This
is best
done by retaining a sense of disappointment and failure at all times
and spending much time per day sharing this over coffee, red wine and
joints with fellow sufferers. If there are no fellow sufferers in you
local area, you can find support groups on the Internet or turn to
watching daytime TV "for research purposes".
That's two examples how to help others fail as successfully at
something as we have managed to achieve.
It isn't easy, it takes perseverance and there's always many an
excellently effective strategy to be modelled.
So, if there's something you have a lot of experience in failing at, I
think it's time you picked up your responsibility to your fellow man
and woman and write it down, get it published, get it out there. That
way, they get there much quicker and the human race becomes far more
efficient all over.
Think of the children!
Topics that are particularly needed are: How To Fail Successfully At
Weightloss & Fitness; How To Fail At Relationships; How To Fail At
Having Any Relationships In The First Place; How To Fail At (Insert
any particular work or business, they're all ideosyncratic!); How To
Fail At Raising Happy Relaxed Self Motivated Children, and many, many
more.
We have so much experience, I do feel it's time we shared this with
the world.
Heyho!
Silvia
Silvia Hartmann
From: Chrissy H
Love it, it's brilliant. I shall get everyone playing it next week when I am on
holiday - good travel game!!
Topics that are particularly needed are:
How To Fail Successfully At Weightloss & Fitness
1. Always eat everything your children leave on their plates.
2. Make sure you eat out at least 3 times a week, preferably
Indian or Chinese.
3. Don't buy any "low fat" products and certainly none bearing
the Weight Watchers label.
4. Always rush out to buy numerous bars of chocolate after
watching a chocolate advert on TV.
5. Don't hang around with anyone thin so you won't feel the urge
to diet.
6. Always eat a large bowl of cereal in the bath.
7. Go to the gym daily but spend all the time in the jacuzzi or
juice bar.
8. Throw away those trainers.
9. If you feel the need to exercise confine it to your eyelids.
L and W
Chrissie
From: Gregory Rasputin
Great topic by the way.
Ok here's how to fail at relationships:
#1 golden rule that's guaranteed to erase every relationship is: don't even
solve your fights, let them sit inside each partner, and eat away at them. Do
this in a hope that if you just leave the problem alone it'll solve itself.
2. this is important too, compliment the person excessively, make sure that
they're not nearly as attached to u as you are, and then shower them with love.
Remember, the less they do for you, the more u should do for them.
3. once u managed to actually get the relationship going for about half a year
or so, and it's going well, don't worry there's still a chance to fuck it up:
constantly mention all the partners you've had before, as to add value to
yourself in their eyes.
4. when you're wrong don't ever admit it.
5. when you're right, let them have their way.
Hi Gregory,
Those are good!
They've inspired me to write down ....
"How to successfully fail at having any relationships to fail at
in the first place."
1. Keep your social circle confined to a few people you already
know and who are safe in all ways. Never step beyond this -
there's no point and will only lead to wasting your time and much
disappointment.
2. Create a template in your head of "the perfect partner". Make
it big and make it bright. Compare anyone who has slipped thru
No.1 by accident ruthlessly with this template and discard if
*anything whatsoever* isn't *exactly* as the template. You deserve
only the best.
3. Stay away from any kind of human gathering that could have
likeminded folk amongst them. Friendship and mutual interest is
the first step on the road to relationship hell. You can, however,
attend bars but make sure they're suitably sordid and you are
solidly off your head.
4. If you have to chat up people, only chat up those you don't
like and have no interest in whatsoever.
5. Following on from No. 4, if you have to date people, either
only date those you can't stand or confine yourself to the
services of professional providers in the field.
6. Shop, bank and generally move about *only* AFTER the sun has
gone down. Wear black leather and shades and preferably a hat.
7. However and to be on the safe side, stay away from all the
places where the *other* people in black leather, shades and hats
hang out - especially after dark.
8. Make a rule that you will only trust people with any kind of
conversation, validation, attention and intimacy if they are of
the same sex as you are. If you are gay, of course the reverse
applies.
9. Should anyone show any interest in spite of all the above, on
the first possible occasion tell them about your propensity for
serial killing, black satanic rites and the drinking of the blood.
Should this fail to have the required effect, quickly switch into
a story of how that used to be the case but then you found Jesus.
Remember to be really, really intense about it!
10. If you have followed all the above, you should be reasonably
safe. However, prolonged loneliness can build up internal pressure
and mistakes can occur as a result. Be sure to have your basement
bedsit well stacked with entertainment, that your pc and your xxx
subsciptions are up to date, your wide screen tv, video and DVD is
supplied with the required material on a regular basis by mail
order and you have also books and magazines at hand to help with
both your intellectual as well as physiological needs.
This helpful advice was dispensed by:
Rev. S. Hartmann
How To Fail At Losing Weight
From: wspyzbth
How to fail at losing weight:
1. Remember this is going to be very hard. Give yourself a clear
goal. Decide exactly how much weight you have to lose, and by what
date. Circle that date on the calendar. Start your diet right away.
Don't make excuses out of anything else that's going on in
your life at present. Just get on with it.
2. Track your progress. Weigh yourself before you start, and every
single day without fail. Make a graph of the results and study it
carefully.
3. Many people mistakenly try to do exercise as well, while dieting.
It's much easier (and safer for your joints) not to exercise at
all until you're down to a healthy weight. If you exercise, it
slows your weight loss, because you gain muscle tissue, which is bulky and
heavy. Don't do that. Focus your attention on your eating.
4. With a little careful planning, dieting need not disrupt your
lifestyle at all. You can still do all the things you used to do. And
you can still eat the things you're accustomed to – just buy
(or make) low fat versions of them. There are lots of helpful special
diet foods in the supermarket, and also diet pills that can help you.
(Call me now!)
5. This is all about willpower. You'll have to try really hard to
stick to your diet. But remember, it isn't for ever. You'll
get through it. And the faster you get to that target weight, the
better, so you don't have to keep all this up for so long.
6. Get your friends and family to support you by pointing out if
they
see you eating anything you shouldn't. Have a little competition
with yourself to see how far you can go through the day before you
have anything solid to eat.
7. If you fail (i.e. you eat something you shouldn't), don't
feel too bad. Failure is only to be expected. You can always try
again some other time. Oh and by the way, you really ought to quit
smoking too!
Mike
(P.s. for anyone who has just joined this thread, please note
that
this is advice on how to FAIL.)
From: eljwc
"To completely fail to learn to play the electric guitar"
Okay, this sounds like fun. Let me have a go at this one:
"To completely fail to learn to play the electric guitar"
1. Completely idolize a particular player and consider their skill to be so far
beyond your capabilities that you will never, ever get there. Decide this BEFORE
you buy your first guitar. Spend a lot of time listening to your idol and keep
reinforcing to yourself how superbly wonderful he is and how you could never be
like that.
2. Never, ever apply your previous musical knowledge to guitar.
Never learn the notes on the fretboard, never extrapolate scales, never play by
ear. Eighth-grade level classical instrument? Musical theory up the wazoo? Sight
reading like a champ? Forget it all! After all, the guitar is a new and
mysterious beast that deserves unique treatment and you will never, ever play
like your IDOL (see above). Regard phrases like, 'Phrygian mode' with mystical
awe, despite the fact that you knew what it was in a classical context. As far
as you are concerned, learning to play the electric guitar is NOTHING like that
pesky classical education you fought so hard for, so forget it ever happened.
3. Never play a piece, only 'try' to play. Remember the words of
Master Adoy, "there is no 'do', there is only 'try' ". TRY to finger a scale
with weak, inexperienced fingers. TRY to fumble out the sound of a major scale.
TRY to bear the pain of ripped skin, and cramping hands from excessive barre-chords.
LAMENT that you feel like a SPASMOID DWEEB because when TRYING to play a scale,
inversion or arpeggio, your hand feels like a daddy-long-legs spider that had
too many spider-shandies down at the old Dew Fly Inn.
4. Only practice for an hour a day. Forget your earlier practice
regimen of at least three hours a day - after all, you are in it to fail it,
right? Resist the temptation to play for more. If you can manage, try to take
three month breaks between practice sessions. When you get back to the guitar
and find that you are still in the desired state of being 'utter crap', tell
yourself constantly that 'god, you sound horrible. You'll never sound like Mr
Guitar Wizard!' Do this until you feel at least a twinge of badness each time
you look at the guitar.
5. When you practice, make sure that you only practice one
thing, or if you do more than one, do it haphazardly and badly. Never apply any
sense of elegance or economy of motion to your so-called practice, no matter how
much of that you had in your classical background. Carry a strong mental
impression of how your IDOL sounds, so that when you TRY to play, you can
automatically start to compare yourself unfavourably with him. Denigrate your
shoddy picking skills. Curse your picking hand for not palm muting strings, so
that they all ring out in gratuitous disharmony as you TRY to stumble through a
lick that is way too difficult for your pitiful level of skill.
6. Constantly compare yourself with your musical genius friend
who picked up the guitar and was widdling like Van Halen in just over a year and
a bit. Ignore the fact that he was extremely motivated, dedicated and practiced
for several hours a day with balletic precision. Seek to add that sense of
'falling behind' to the badness you already feel when you look at your
well-underplayed axe. Constantly make excuses like, 'I can't play like that
because HE has perfect pitch and I have an ear of wood! He's so gifted! I am a
flummoxed piece of worn carpet!' Ignore that your motivation for classical music
was at least equal to, if not greater than his motivation to play guitar. Ignore
all the compliments that your teachers and fellow musicians gave you regarding
your understanding and love of baroque music. Forget all of that, it's not
important any more.
7. Disregard your knowledge of accelerated learning techniques,
belief shifting techniques, and modeling. Completely fail to apply Borrowed
Genius or Deep Trance Identification with your IDOL, no matter how many videos
of him you have. In fact, every time you watch a video, under no circumstances
are you to pick out his technique, his physiology, or his note choices, but just
watch him in amazement and say to yourself in a mix of amazement and depression,
' he is soooo good, I'll never get to be like that. He's so talented and I'm
just a bedroom try-hard.' Aim to give your internal voice just that right amount
of despondency.
8. If the thought of applying your knowledge to ease your
guitar-playing learning-curve ever comes to mind, think of how it 'might' be
done, draw up a plan, but promptly put it away in a drawer and do NOT, under any
circumstances, actually follow it through. Better yet, write the plan only in
your head so that there is no written record of what sort of trance processes
and practice regimens you could use. That way you'll forget it more easily,
which will greatly help your goal, which is:
"To completely fail to learn to play the electric guitar"
You can do it! Thousands of bedroom try-hards have done it, so
can you!!!
Go for it!!!!
Elroy
How To Fail At Playing The Accoustic Guitar
From StarFields
Oh Elroy, thank you! Very helpful! That'll save me *hours* when I
get to that.
I have some tips about "How to fail at learning to play the
accoustic guitar to any form of performance standard", perhaps we
can put them together?
1. Don't seek out a teacher but buy a cheap book. This way, you'll
get it wrong right from the start and build usefully ingrained bad
habits that will be impossible to challenge, morph or change into
any kind of fluent action, position, etc. later on.
2. Don't listen to anyone or seek any advice about buying your
first guitar and don't spend any money on it, not a cent more than
absolutely necessary. Best buy one in a garage sale. A beginner's
accoustic guitar must have enough space between the fretboard and
the strings to push a cucumber thru, else it's for wimps.
3. Once you have mastered fingering "cheat versions" of about
three chords, stop learning new ones. After all, Bob Dylan made a
fortune and he didn't know any more than that either.
4. Realise immediately that bar chords were not invented for
accoustic guitars and just give up there and then. This will save
you years of futile misery!
5. Should you be driven to follow tab sheets but they involve bar
chords, buy a capo instead. No-one will notice the difference.
6. Keep telling yourself as your f***king around aimlessly with
your three chords repeatedly that you're only playing for
yourself, so it doesn't matter anyway.
7. Don't *ever* buy new strings. A load of muck and rust dulls
the
sound and makes it less likely for you to become really aware of
how awfully out of tune the thing is and how badly you're still
playing "Jolene" after 18 years of playing it every other night.
8. When asked to perform for friends or at parties, create a
panic
attack on the spot and refuse stoutly. Always remember the creed:
"You're only playing for yourself, so it doesn't matter anyway."
There we have it.
Ah LOL, this is getting a bit too educational for my liking ...
waves!
Silvia "Yes you CAN play Space Oddity without a single bar
chord" Hartmann
http://starfields.org
How To Fail At Writing
From: Zed Lopez
1. Understand that you can only possibly write with your mind is
relaxed and untroubled by other concerns. So if there's anything else
at all you 'should' be doing, do it instead. For failure bonus
points, just thrash and worry about what you should be doing instead
of actually doing anything -- that way you can endlessly reuse the
exact same things!
2. You know it's impossible to make a living writing, so have a day
job you hate that leaves you mentally, physically and emotionally
exhausted. After work, you'll be in no shape to write, so have some
ice cream and watch TV. You deserve it.
3. Invent endless constraints regarding under what circumstances you
could get writing done. You need your own office. A special desk. A
special pen. Absolute quiet. A certain computer. Spend more time
complaining about the lack of these circumstances than actually
writing.
4. You'll be able to get plenty of writing done when you're
independently wealthy and have lots of free time. Just wait till
then.
5. There are thousands of writing books. Better read them all before
you start. One of them has got to have the secret. (Be sure to skip
all the exercises.)
6. Let's face it, you don't know enough to be a writer. You've never
even read [insert famous literary work here]. Better get to it, or no
one will take you seriously.
7. Surround yourself with people who are jealous of your time,
disrespect your writing and undermine you at every turn. If possible,
marry one and have kids.
8. If you actually fail at all of the above, and actually sit down to
write, make sure each word, each sentence is perfect before you move
on -- compare it to your favorite writers' published works (you don't
think people with talent have to rewrite, do you?) and attack it with
all the viciousness of your cruelest and bitterest teachers.
9. Give up as soon as it seems hard or you feel uninspired.
After
all, if it were real art, it would flow smoothly and be easy.
10. Whatever you do, don't finish anything. Just keep starting
new
fragments. (Any ideas prior to your latest suck anyway.) Or endlessly
torture your existing manuscripts until you drain them of any vitality
they might once have had.
11. If you do finish something, immediately share it with
someone who
can be counted on to tear it apart, tell you you're wasting your time,
and imply you're an idiot for ever imagining you could write. Believe
this person -- s/he wouldn't say it if it weren't true.
12. Be sure you never actually submit your work for publication.
Take
the decision out of the editors' hands: reject it for them.
13. If a story gets rejected, don't send it anywhere else --
obviously
it was no good. In all likelihood, you aren't either: be sure not
to pass up the opportunity to consider giving it all up.
14. If, in an extreme case of failing at the above, you've actually
published something, know that it was just a fluke. _Never ever_
believe in yourself.
15. And generally take miserable care of your body, your
relationships, your finances and everything in your life. Avoid
anything that would make you happy -- artists have to suffer.
Repeat as necessary.
© Silvia Hartmann/Contributors 2002
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